Handsome Fucker
Face & Beard Oil
Tames the badger. Softens the bastard. Leaves you looking illegal.
£24View Product
Emu oil grooming for hairy men
The Hairy Bastards
If your beard is as rough as a badger's arse, join the gang.
Australian emu oil beard oil, body gloss and anti-chafe balm. Built for pelts, not peach fuzz. Not on shelves yet — get in line and be first when we drop.
Free delivery on all pre-orders
10% of profits to men's mental health
Founder guarantee — see below
Why Emu Oil? Because you're not a greased pig.
Absorbs Instantly
Hydrates the thickest pelts without ruining your shirt.
Kills The Chafe
Heavy-duty anti-inflammatory to stop the deep-forest itch.
Primal Power
Australian Emu oil mimics human skin for maximum penetration.
The Arsenal — Coming Soon
Heavy-Duty Maintenance.
Still in the works. Join the queue for first access when these bastards ship.
The movement
Tees. Hoodies. Caps. Replica beards.
Wear the emblem. Strap on a pelt if you need one. Printed and packed when you order — cash in the till, bastards on the street.
Not got a beard?
Buy a replica.Still a bastard.
The gang isn't a follicle test. Clean-shaven? Smooth since puberty? Allergic to your own face? Strap on a Hairy Bastards replica beard and walk in like you invented chin furniture.
Ginger or dark. Adjustable. Ideal for stag dos, derby days, and confusing your mother-in-law.
Get A Replica Beard
Full movement
Passport. Stag packs. Tour nights. Barber cuts. Founding numbers.
Pelt Passport stamps, Shave Free Club, travel minis, mum cards, referrals, uni kits — the whole bastard ecosystem lives on the Movement page.
Enter The MovementFrom the sample bastards
Not influencers. Blokes with jars.
Early samples. Honest feedback. Zero white coats. Just mates who tried it and reported back over a pint.
“He bunged me a sample of the face oil down the Dog & Bone and said try this, you scruffy bastard. Beard's softer, itch is gone, and I still don't know how to tell the missus what it's called.”
“Used the chest stuff after football. Proper gloss, not that greasy nonsense. Mate asked if I'd waxed. I said no, I've just joined a cult with an emu on the logo.”
“Groin & Glide on a heatwave walk to the bookies. Life-changing. I will not be taking questions. Tell him if he ever charges me full price I'll fight him in the car park.”
The Founder Guarantee
If this oil lets you down, I'll never emotionally recover.
Look. I put my name — and my extremely punchable face — on a product called Handsome Fucker. If your beard is still a crime scene after using it properly, email me. Full refund. No awkward interrogation. No “did you apply it wrong?” lecture.
I'll also personally write your mother-in-law an apology letter explaining that the smell of ambition is not, in fact, a cry for help. And if you're still unhappy, I will grow a sadder beard than yours out of sheer shame.
Soft pelt or your money back. My reputation is already in freefall anyway.
Join The Queue AnywayThe 10% pledge
Hairy bastards look after their own.
Ten percent of profits go to men's mental health — aimed at CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably). Not revenue theatre. Not a once-a-year photo op. Profits — when we make them — because beards are funny and isolation isn't.
Formal partnership when the first cheques go out. Until then the promise stands: if The Arsenal makes money, men's mental health gets a cut. Full stop.
Read the pledge10% of profits.Men's mental health.No sermon. Just the cut.
Join the queue →Our Civil range
Worried the mother-in-law might take offence?
Same juice. Sensible labels. Step through to Civil — the civilised sister brand for gifts, shared bathrooms, and polite company.
Civilised Care for Uncivilised Growth.
We didn't go to a French apothecary; we went to the source. Formulated for the gloriously hairy, heavily endowed, and unapologetically rugged.
Be First In Line